Curiosity to understanding to forgiveness - a journey with my father
In the spirit of continuing to write from the heart, I share vulnerably with you here in case this is of service to you. I also believe that embracing the topic of death more in our Western culture is beneficial for our liberation.
Since the last newsletter, my Dad passed away. In his honor, I’d like to share the following story, which hopefully could be helpful for you. I love you and miss you Dad.
When I was living in Dubai, I went to visit Dad 5-6 times, who was living In Beirut. I went there reluctantly, because I couldn’t stand him and had not talked to him in 20 years - since he walked out and separated from my Mom. But I was trying to find forgiveness. After the first visit my conclusion was that Mom was right and he’s a terrible selfish human - he didn’t ask if I was married, how my health was, what I did for work.
During the 4th or 5th visit, as we were driving to his village in the North and stuck in traffic, smoking cigarettes, I decided to cultivate something I had been working on - curiosity. So I started asking him questions about when he was young. After some superfluous details, I asked about his father. “I hate my father,” he said. “I couldn’t stand him,” he blurted out. He told me some gruesome details about domestic violence he had witnessed, details that eerily reflected my own experience with him and Mom. I was in shock. Here he was telling me about the same thing happening with his own Dad that I experienced with him. He also said he ran away from home at 14, faked an ID, and joined the army to get away from his Dad. Wow. In that moment I understood. He was just repeating the patterns he was involved with as a child. And at the age of 14, joining the army doesn’t give you much time to process and grow. So before he knew it, he became a father himself. I realized that this guy wasn’t a bad guy. He was just doing his best given what he had been shown - even if his best had a terrible effect on me.
Back home in Dubai, I continued processing and attended a family constellations workshop, which led me into even deeper understanding of my parents. I called Dad the following weekend. I had fully forgiven him in my heart. When he picked up the phone, I simply asked how he was - but in a tone that I had never used before - with true caring about his well being. He knew something was different - he felt the forgiveness. He was quiet at first, and then he cried, and said words I had never heard from him before: I love you. And just like that, 20 years of emotional baggage was lifted in the matter of a few months.
When my Dad passed on January 12th, amongst many other emotions, I felt peace deep inside and I am so grateful for that nudge of curiosity.
Sometimes, when things are tough, when we can’t quite love or forgive, when we need to keep our boundaries up, can we perhaps find just enough curiosity to open a door to something softer?
As for our parents, can we simply remember that they were just doing their best with what they had?
Here at Manifestations, we acknowledge that so much of this healing is very personal and comes in many shapes and delivered by many different types of healers - like that gentle Egyptian man who led the family constellations workshop for us in Dubai. Many wonderful people are helping others heal - they are a singular individual offering beautiful wisdom - and not necessarily a scalable, investable business. Yet what we can do to support those healers is invest in platforms that help solo-preneurs in the healing space to reach more people. If you know of companies that are doing this, please let us know.
May we all be curious enough to understand and understand enough to forgive.
We are currently working on our first fund closing - please contact us to be part of this founding group of partners. Charbel@manifestationscapital.com