Ok with Not Knowing
I’ve heard friends and teachers talk about being confused, and I was confused by that. I’ve experienced many challenging emotions, but confusion has never been one. So I never understood that emotion. I always thought confusion pertained to a specific topic and was a temporary state of mind. But recently, that changed. I have experienced and understood confusion as a generalized emotional state.
Has this been an emotion that you’ve struggled with? Maybe not general confusion but ‘unknowingness’ or indecision about something specific?
As we move forward on the path and do the work of mindfulness and healing, we are supposed to be more in tune and just ‘know’ when things are right. So, why then, the confusion?
I’ve felt it across a range of big topics in my life, from deciding which part of the world I want to be living in, to what I really want in a romantic partnership.
Granted, optionality sometimes leads to confusion - too many options and we can’t decide which one to take. I’m certainly very fortunate to be in a position where options abound on most dimensions of my life. But this felt deeper.
Furthermore, in my experience, as we progress in our spiritual life, we tend to loosen the grip on our self-definition and identifications. This process has us letting go of familiar points of reference, such as strong dogmatic beliefs or judgments. That in itself can also be disorienting.
So, could this confusion be simply the unfamiliar? Could it be that we are stepping into new territory that we have grown into, that we are ‘rebuilding our swing’ of what grounds us and how we make decisions?
Could it be that for most of our lives, we have made most decisions with our minds, including the many constraints of society and other family conditioning? And perhaps, we have made decisions based on some external view of ourselves that we may think others have of us. “I’m a professional and that’s what professionals do.” Or, “I’m a hard worker and that’s how we behave.” Or, “This will make Mom and Dad so proud of me.”
Could it be that we are reshaping the very “gut feeling” that helps us in making decisions to include a new dimension - a deeper connection to what we truly want?
And could it be, that for the first time, we are allowing the voice of the heart to awaken and have its seat at the table of the inner self? That voice that simply asks, “Does this bring me joy?” “Is this the path that is for my highest good?” “Is this in service of my mission in the world?”
Could it be that this voice is still a whisper, like the voice of a gentle person who is trembling with fear as they gather the courage to speak up for the first time in a room of rambunctious voices?
Perhaps this state of unknowingness is a transitionary period where we are listening to something new, something deeper, something more connected. I have found power in simply allowing and accepting the unknowingness - embracing it, and trusting, that I will again know - and this time, it will be a deeper knowingness, in alignment with my own deepest desires.
May we all embrace times of confusion and listen closely to whatever subtle voice is growing within us on the path to deeper clarity.
“Our job is to listen”.
- Soren (Wisdom 2.0)
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